


(I know you) I walked with you once upon a dream

by wistfullywishing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Christmas Fluff, Clubbing, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Reincarnation, Soulmates, Terminal Illnesses, also all of these are based on lu han's songs, will add tags as i post more chapters lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-01-06 21:33:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18396767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wistfullywishing/pseuds/wistfullywishing
Summary: Time and time again, they're drawn back to each other.





	1. on call

**Author's Note:**

> so i started this fic on 31 july of 2017 and within the same week i wrote ⅘ parts and then i couldnt figure out how to end it so i never wrote the fifth part and i never came back to the draft and its just been sitting in my wips mellowing until now lol,,,, I got the urge to post it suddenly out of nowhere bc i think ive held onto it for too long and if i dont post it now i never will. So, hope u enjoy!!! Pls kick my butt into gear and tell me to write the fifth part ;-;
> 
> Also sorry if this sucks lmao im scared to reread it and im rlly hoping my writing has improved since then but uhhhhh AAAAUSHDFAHAHAHA

  1. **_On Call_**



 

_ I will run to you / When you need me / I'm always on call  _

 

Luhan is at lunch with his best friend when he gets the call that his company is offering him a transfer to their branch in San Francisco. His mind races, thinking of a million reasons why he would rather stay in Korea, but in the end he’s unable to voice a single one of them before his boss hangs up the phone.

“You have to take it,” Jongdae tells him when Luhan relays the new information that he’s still struggling to process. He savagely stabs a piece of beef with his fork and shoves it in his mouth. “I know you don’t really want to leave, but if you go your salary would be doubled.”

Luhan hesitates, but Jongdae has a point. He really does need the money. “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” he says glumly. 

Jongdae wipes his mouth with his napkin and puts a hand on Luhan’s shoulder, in what Luhan supposes is meant to be a comforting gesture - it doesn’t really help. “He’ll understand,” Jongdae says, directly addressing the issue that Luhan has been trying to avoid thinking of too hard in case he breaks his own heart before anything even goes wrong. Jongdae doesn’t need to address Luhan’s boyfriend by name; he knows without asking who Jongdae’s speaking of. 

(There’s only ever been Minseok, after all.)

“But what if he doesn’t?” Luhan whispers back, trying to keep his bottom lip from trembling. “It’s San Francisco -” He makes a quick Google Search with his phone, “- 9,023 kilometres away from Seoul.”

Jongdae gives him a pointed look. “He’s your  _ boyfriend.  _ If he loves you even half as much as you love him, he’ll find a way to make it work.”

 

_ You know I'm still waiting in place / Want to hear your ringtones again _

 

True enough to Jongdae’s prediction, they find a way to make it work. 

Minseok is understanding about the situation because he’s been seeing Luhan struggle with expenses and bills and a sick brother for the past five months, and he knows how much Luhan doesn’t want to do this but so desperately needs to. 

Luhan’s voice breaks in the middle of telling Minseok about the transfer, and he ends up crying on Minseok’s shoulder while his boyfriend soothingly rubs circles into his back. Luhan can’t stop making the whimpering noises because he just doesn’t want to go somewhere where he’ll be twelve hours and a whole ocean away.  

Minseok hugs him through it all and feathers kisses on his forehead in between whispering that they’ll be okay and he’ll love Luhan no matter what.

And Luhan finally manages to stop crying because he believes Minseok’s words.

 

_ I'll never let you fall / I'm always on call _

 

Luhan and Minseok go see his brother for the holidays.

The hospital is so clean and white and Luhan hates it because it makes him think of all the things that are pure with the world and then all of the things that accidentally landed his brother in a coma.

“I’m going away for a few months,” Luhan whispers to the sleeping body. “Just until I can get enough for your treatment, and then I’ll come home. I promise.” He presses a kiss to cold fingertips. “Minseok and Jongdae will visit while I’m away. Wait for me.”

Before he leaves, he turns back. “I love you,” Luhan says in a soft voice to his brother. “Merry Christmas.”

Minseok is by his side, squeezing his hand. 

In his mind, Luhan calculates how long he’ll have to stay in California in order to get the money he needs. He’ll be back before a year passes, but eight months is still a long time to be away from loved ones.

 

_ You will not change the promise / Let go of your care / Like the time difference across the Pacific _

 

On the day of Luhan’s flight, Jongdae and Minseok accompany him to the airport and sit with him while he’s waiting to board. Time withers away too quickly in those final moments, and before he knows it, he’s staring at a blinking sign that spells out  _ SAN FRANCISCO, NOW BOARDING _ .

Minseok is clutching Luhan’s shirt and kissing him like he doesn’t want to let go. Luhan kisses back with equal fervor, hoping that his passion makes up for all the words that would pain him to have to say aloud.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he says, trying to smile so that Minseok doesn’t worry any more than he already is. “I love you.” The corners of his lips curl up, and Luhan watches in slow motion as Minseok manages a smile while blinking back tears.

Jongdae wraps him in a hug next. “Promise you’ll call.”

Luhan laughs, but it’s empty. “Of course, what kind of friend do you take me for?” He’s almost offended that his oldest friend doesn’t trust him to not disappear off the face of the planet. 

“Come back the same,” Jongdae says seriously, in a low voice. “Don’t change.”

Luhan makes a small motion with his head that’s taken as a nod by Jongdae, missed by Minseok. “Take care of them for me,” he whispers into Jongdae’s shoulder. (He doesn’t need specificity - never has. Jongdae knows.)

His goodbyes done, Luhan waves and turns around to step onto the gangway. He doesn’t look back to see what he’ll be missing for eight months.

 

_ My feet are stepping on the sand / Got into your midweek _

 

His new apartment feels empty with just him living in it alone, even after he unpacked all of his boxes, but that’s okay since he spends most of his time at the office anyway.

Local time in San Francisco is sixteen hours behind Seoul, but he and Minseok send goodnight texts before they sleep every night and video chat when they can. It’s not the same as living together, but it’s the best they can do for now. Every time Luhan sees Minseok’s face on his laptop screen, his heart aches because he just misses him so much.

Sometimes, he thinks Minseok would like it here. The downtown scene reminds Luhan somewhat of Seoul, just without as many lights at night.

Luhan calls Jongdae at least once a week, and he tells his friend about his week and his coworker with the hazelnut highlights that he bets Jongdae would like. He complains that the food isn’t as good as back home. Joking helps get rid of the hole in his heart. 

In return, Jongdae tells him about his horrible love life and gives him updates on his brother. They can never talk for too long because of the time difference, but Luhan always feels lighter after talking with someone so familiar. 

 

_ Do not know where to start telling / Our lives have changed too much _

 

Luhan throws his whole being into his work, hoping for a promotion. His boss seems to notice his efforts, which is nice, but it means he’s not able to call Minseok and Jongdae as frequently. They understand, though, and urge him to do whatever he has to in order to make it home sooner.

A month later, Luhan misses the opportunity to Skype on Minseok’s birthday until the day has already passed, both in Korea and in California, because he’s so swamped with work. Minseok tells him it’s okay, but maybe if Luhan wasn’t ready to pass out from exhaustion, he would have seen how the curve of Minseok’s smile looks so much more forced than before.

 

_ Got me caught up / (Reluctant to sleep those nights) / Got me caught up / (And I cannot put the phone down no) _

 

During his fourth month at his new job, Luhan gets the promotion he had his eye on because of how high his work quality has been. He’s elated, because it means that the original eight months have turned into six, and he can return to Seoul and his family in just two more months.

He’s in the middle of telling Minseok over the phone, voice animated for once, when the other says, quietly, “Luhan, there’s something you should know.”

(Luhan’s heart drops into his stomach because no one who uses that tone of voice ever has anything good to say.)

Minseok tells him that he can’t do this anymore. He’s found someone else, someone who’s always present. He says he’ll continue to visit Luhan’s brother with Jongdae. He’ll always love Luhan; he’s just no longer in love with him. 

Luhan’s heart shatters into glass shards that pierce his chest painfully, but he agrees that they can remain close friends because he can’t imagine his life without Minseok in it somehow.

(“I understand, Minseok… no… don’t say that… I’m glad he makes you happy.”)

A few days later, Luhan spends his birthday alone for the first time in a while. A package from Minseok comes in the mail, and Luhan almost throws it away out of sheer rage without opening it first.

He finally caves and unwraps the gift. It’s a new watch, and it’s beautiful. He doesn’t know how Minseok managed to afford something like this that likely would’ve cost a fortune, but something tells him that Minseok might have dropped his pride and begged Jongdae to pitch in. (Somewhere in the back of his mind Luhan remembers mentioning three weeks ago that his current one stopped working.)

So yeah, Minseok still cares about him more than he should.

 

_ I do not believe / Our story / (Can only come here) / You are my destiny  _

 

Luhan finally earns enough for the treatment when the six months are up. He quits his job, and just as fast, he’s on the next flight back to Seoul.

Even though he promised Jongdae otherwise, he comes back different. Too much has changed, so it only seems natural that he should adapt along with the circumstances.

The day comes. There’s a lot of waiting in a reception area, and Luhan sits and stares at the wall, unmoving, while Minseok and Jongdae each hold one of his hands. 

The surgery is a success, his brother wakes up, and Luhan cries in his arms. Then, after Jongdae finally coaxes him and Minseok out of the hospital at the nurse's insistence that the patient needs rest, he forgets himself in a burst of joy and leans towards Minseok before the other can say anything, ducking his head to plant a kiss on him that can’t be considered platonic no matter how much they might want to pretend. 

When he pulls back, he sees Minseok’s wide eyes and Jongdae’s terrified expression, and it’s not until then that Luhan remembers.

Minseok tells him gently that maybe they shouldn’t see each other for a while. Luhan doesn’t say anything, but he knows Minseok well enough to see how shaken he is, though he tries to hide it behind false smiles and comforting gestures.

“A while” stretches into weeks, then months, and still there’s nothing but radio silence, although Minseok will sometimes send him a carefully constructed text message meant to spark polite conversation. Luhan tries, but all he wants to do is throw his phone at the wall because there’s no use in pretending.

 

_ Received your call / I did not expect us to contact for years later / You said "how have you been?" / A greeting to disturb me _

 

The next time Minseok contacts him, it’s to invite Luhan to his wedding. Luhan was so close to letting it go to voicemail, and now he regrets not doing so if it meant that he could have lived without the knowledge that the man he loves is getting married to someone else.

Part of him wants to ask Minseok why he’s doing this, but instead he almost chokes on his own words as he lies and lies through clenched teeth about how happy he is for Minseok and promises that he’ll attend and bring the best wedding gift ever.

“I’m not going,” Luhan slurs to Jongdae later, drunk on cheap alcohol and cigarette smoke. His legs are having a difficult time remembering how to walk, and Jongdae has to keep one hand around his waist while he’s helping Luhan up the stairs to his apartment.

“You have to move on,” Jongdae says with worry in his eyes when they get to Luhan’s front door, and Luhan ignores all the warning bells sounding in his head, backs his best friend against the door, and kisses him.

Jongdae already has a hand up to push Luhan away, but this just makes him kiss even harder because he’s drunk and selfish and he needs to forget like crazy. Jongdae sighs because he knows this is a bad idea but Luhan is hurting and he’s not a best friend for nothing. It’s not really anything new; they both remember the motions from their college days. So Jongdae kisses back, his raised hand moving to settle on Luhan's right hip.

Jongdae’s body is thinner than Minseok’s and it’s not the same. Still, despite Jongdae’s body fitting completely wrong against his own, it helps Luhan forget for just a little bit - and as it turns out, different is exactly what he needs.

And yet, Luhan regrets the whole affair the instant it’s over, like Jongdae probably knew he would. He turns away from Jongdae in a weak attempt to hide the silent tears making watery tracks down his cheeks. Besides his brother being awake and healthy again, everything is messed up on so many levels. 

Of course, his best friend knows him too well. Jongdae carefully cleans him up with a warm cloth and then tucks Luhan in bed.  He wordlessly pulls on his boxers and pants, and stays with Luhan until the morning, sleeping on top of the covers so their bodies aren’t touching except for Jongdae’s hand that’s wrapped around Luhan’s wrist.

 

_ You know I'm always on call / Tell me you need me _

 

Luhan thinks there might be something between himself and Jongdae, but he chooses not to pursue it because his best friend deserves better than the half-assed love that Luhan can offer.

And at night when he lies awake counting the flaws in the ceiling over and over, he idly wonders if he’ll ever be able to give anyone his whole heart again.

He still drags Jongdae as his plus-one to Minseok’s wedding, though. He thinks Minseok might’ve thought he was lying when he promised to come because Minseok looks somewhat surprised but genuinely overjoyed when he sees Luhan.

This is what Luhan realizes: He still loves Minseok with all his heart, but he doesn’t need to fake his happiness anymore because Minseok is glowing as he kisses his husband and all Luhan ever wanted was for him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with himself.  

(He still can’t help imagining what his and Minseok’s ceremony would have been like in the back of his mind when he catches a glimpse of the metal band on Minseok’s finger.)

At the reception, Luhan sees Jongdae across the room, talking to a pink-haired boy who looks half a drink away from jumping his bones. Absently, he hopes the boy is good for Jongdae.

Seeing Jongdae look towards the future helps him recall what he said about moving on, and when he scans the ballroom, Luhan spies a young man with platinum hair who’s leaning against the wall, sipping idly from a champagne flute and looking at Minseok’s husband like he’s trying to drown out thoughts of better times. 

He has arched brows that remind Luhan a little too much of someone else, but the similarities stop there. When Luhan makes eye contact with the man who’s a little younger and a little taller than what he’s used to, the other raises a perfectly defined brow in a clear challenge, dark eyes glittering with interest and pink lips tilted just enough to display an open invitation. In response, Luhan takes a swig from his own bottle for courage and to loosen his inhibitions before he starts making his way across the floor, all the while dully thinking that it’s  _ close enough. _


	2. what if i said

  1. **_What If I Said_**



 

Leaving his home country to go study as a transfer student in Seoul is the best decision that has happened to him in Luhan’s relatively short life because it leads him to Kim Minseok. 

On the first day of his freshman year in high school, Luhan is busy picking apart his sandwich at lunch when he catches sight of two shorter boys glancing at him and whispering to each other over their lunch trays at the next table over. He looks away, more interested in learning than getting involved in drama.

Minutes later, he’s taken aback when the one wearing a snapback sidles up directly next to him while the other boy shyly slips into the seat across from Luhan. 

“Hi,” Snapback Boy says so loudly into his ear that Luhan has to pull back. “Are you the transfer student?”

“Jongdae, don’t be rude,” says the other boy, sensing Luhan’s panic and reaching across the table to shove his friend. He turns to Luhan. “Sorry, ignore him. I’m Minseok.”

“Minseok,” Luhan repeats quietly, rolling the familiar syllables over his tongue. “Nice to meet you.” He smiles.

 

_ Afraid of losing you, so I'm having doubts / So I just escape _

 

Luhan seamlessly blends into the friendship that holds Minseok and Jongdae together, and through them he meets the others in their friend group, but he’s still closest to them two because the others don’t speak Mandarin as well as Luhan speaks Korean. In the same way that he knows he’s never met Minseok before, he knows that he hasn’t experienced Minseok and Jongdae’s platonic affection in his life, and yet Luhan can’t help feeling like this has happened before in some way.

When he tells his closest friend from home about it, Yixing smiles and shows off his dimple as he says, enigmatically as he is, “Maybe you knew them in another life.”

Luhan just rolls his eyes and ends the Skype session.

 

_ Wandering through unfinished dreams / Even my pillows are lonely _

 

In their sophomore year, Luhan starts spending more time with Minseok because he needs a calculus tutor. Minseok’s slimmed down some and starts wearing his hair differently and the only thing that keeps his horde of admirers away is the fierce glare that Luhan sends in the way of anyone who leers at Minseok for too long. 

Every time Minseok’s eyes crinkle into crescents as he laughs, it becomes clear to Luhan that he thinks about Minseok in a different way than a close friend is supposed to. It’s so easy loving Minseok that he thinks he might’ve always had these feelings, like they were simply carried over from another time.

On some days, Minseok stays over to teach Luhan how to solve integrals well into the night, and when he falls asleep on Luhan’s bed with his head pillowed on the textbook, Luhan has somehow seen this scene a million times before and he thinks about every one of them before he falls asleep too, one leg tangling with Minseok’s and the other boy’s hand curling around his bicep.

 

_ After embracing the fear of love / Isn't there only you? _

 

In their junior year, Baekhyun and Jongdae throw a party for Minseok’s birthday, and on that exact day Luhan has to go to the Immigration Office to wrangle out some details for his senior year.

The only thing he’s thinking as he rushes back to Jongdae’s house as fast as humanly possible is that he can’t miss Minseok’s birthday  _ again _ .

When he bursts through the door, sweating and possibly nursing a sprained ankle, the worry on Minseok’s face relaxes into relief and joy so quickly that Luhan forgets how much his limbs hurt. Minseok envelopes him in a hug, ignoring Luhan’s protests of how sweaty and sticky he is, and Luhan thinks that he would swim across oceans for this boy. 

Later, Minseok sits on the carpet at Luhan’s side, holding a bag of ice on Luhan’s ankle and unwrapping the gifts that everyone in their little circle passes his way. After he tears the wrapping paper off of the small rectangular present that Luhan pushes into his hands, he stares and frowns, puzzled. Minseok looks up like he wants an explanation but at the same time doesn’t know the right question to ask. 

Luhan doesn’t know how he managed to find it or how he knew, but something told him it was the exact same.

Sitting in a box in Minseok’s hands is a watch.

 

_ If young love is destined to be separated / Should I have waited to tell you? _

 

The first half of senior year flies by with Luhan’s peers applying to colleges and studying for their CSAT exams, while Luhan has to juggle double the work because he intends to take that standardized test as well as the more difficult Chinese equivalent, the  _ gaokao. _

As it turns out, Minseok is really, really cute when he’s tired and hasn’t had the time to put any effort into his appearance. His bangs flop over his forehead instead of being gelled up, and his small frame is almost completely engulfed in the oversized sweaters he wears. 

Luhan is very much in love, and this doesn’t do anything to help his concentration levels during the fall semester. But just as quickly as it begun, the whole craze is over.

 

_ Memories pass by, overturning a thousand sentences / What I want to say to you is stored deep in my heart / I write and delete those worded emotions / Maybe the blankness best illustrates it _

 

Luhan almost tells Minseok how he feels several times, but whenever Minseok turns expectantly towards him, he forgets the words. Jongdae looks at the two of them with both worry and pity in his expression like there’s something he knows that they don’t.

On some extra stressful days while they’re waiting for acceptance letters, Minseok jokes about dragging Luhan with him to college to take care of him and because he can’t bear to leave him behind, and Luhan laughs but silently thinks that he wouldn’t mind at all.

When Luhan receives his first few offers, he actually begins making plans to go to school in Korea, but then he gets accepted to Tsinghua University in Beijing. His parents are over the moon and so, so proud. He can’t not go. There’s not even a question of what he’s going to choose, even though it means leaving everyone else behind in a different country again.

 

_ I write and delete those worded emotions / From beginning to end, I still have no courage to tell you _

 

“I wish you didn’t have to move again,” Minseok says at the airport, regret pooling in his open, honest eyes.

“Then you should give me a reason to stay,” Luhan whispers back, looking somewhere over Minseok’s shoulder and seeing the rest of his friends huddling together, waving their goodbyes at him. “Speak now or forever hold your peace, right?” The joke comes out flat, like champagne that’s lost all its bubbly spirit.

Minseok looks like he’s struggling to make a decision about something - Luhan can see the war raging in his mind when he blinks back to study his face - and for a moment Luhan thinks Minseok is going to give in to whatever is drawing them together, but finally blinds drop somewhere in his eyes, shutting Luhan out. Minseok takes a step back, his features schooled carefully into a blank expression, and clasps his hands together. 

“I don’t want to be the one that holds you back,” Minseok says, biting down hard on his bottom lip. “Go be successful, Luhan. Come back and visit someday.”

Luhan doesn't want to get on the plane because he can feel the weird sensation of déjà vu hitting him again. He vaguely wonders if he’s left Minseok at an airport before, somewhere. 

“I will,” he says. And he knows with a quiet certainty that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, at least not in this case. Minseok will forget.

 

_ What if I said don't turn around and leave / We were so happy, once / If our love was too young… _

 

They communicate in any way they can, but to Luhan it just feels like prolonging the inevitable. Both of them are living separate lives now; he thinks they’ve become parallel lines instead of intersecting ones. So Luhan is the first one to let go.

After a while, he stops responding to Minseok’s messages and the letters that comes for him in the mail are thrown out, unopened. 

 

_ My hand stopped in mid air / Unable to press send _

 

Eventually, Minseok stops sending them.


	3. winter song

  1. **_Winter Song_**



 

_ The sound of golden bells / The reflection of neon lights  _

 

On Christmas Eve, Luhan walks arm in arm around the town shopping center with Minseok. They’re both bundled in thick knit sweaters and heavy coats to offset the chilly night air, the wind turning Minseok’s cheeks and nose a rosy hue as he clings closer to Luhan.

“Are you cold?” Luhan asks innocently, turning to face his boyfriend.

“No,” Minseok says sullenly, but he won’t meet Luhan’s eyes and the pout of his bottom lip gives away the truth.

“I told you to wear the grey sweater instead of the white one,” Luhan laughs. “I don’t feel sorry for you at all,” but even as he’s saying the words his hands are already going to the scarf around his neck and unwinding it so he can wrap it around Minseok instead. 

“What if you freeze to death?” Minseok asks, staring up at him with round eyes as Luhan loops the cashmere around his neck.

“I’d gladly freeze to death if it meant that you would stop shivering,” Luhan answers honestly and pulls Minseok in closer by tugging on the ends of the soft fabric. 

Minseok snorts but his arms move to encircle Luhan’s middle and he sets his chin on Luhan’s shoulder. “I love you,” he sighs.

“You smell like cotton,” Luhan giggles in response, nose pressing into Minseok’s neck and inhaling something that’s somehow fragile yet masculine at the same time and uniquely Minseok. He knows that the hidden meaning Minseok hears weaved into his words is  _ I love you, too. _

 

_ I move closer to you in the cold wind / Our cold breaths meet _

 

“Hey, Minseokkie?”

“What is it, Luhan?”

“I want to get married…”

 

_ I watch the snow painting the town white melt in my hands / I put love into a present for you to open / On my wishlist, you're my most wanted future _

 

The next morning, Luhan is the first to wake, and any other year he might eagerly rouse Minseok with an excited shout of, “Minseok, wake up! It’s Christmas Day!”

However, Luhan chooses not to this year, instead opting to gaze at the man sleeping peacefully by his side. Minseok has been more tired than usual as of late; Luhan can see the dark circles under his eyes that he tries so desperately to hide. Luhan wonders whether it’s from work or maybe stress in the family, but he doesn’t ask because he trusts Minseok to tell him eventually when he’s ready. He hopes they aren’t overworking his boyfriend at the office.

A soft groan and a flutter of Minseok’s eyelashes alert Luhan when Minseok’s finally awake. Minseok smiles at him, softly and sleepily, and brings his arms up to stretch his limbs. The action brings on a wrinkle in Minseok’s brow, but he smooths it away almost instantly as one of his hands gently presses down on the ache in his side.

“Alright?” Luhan asks, watching carefully and reaching out to lightly brush his fingers against Minseok’s body. 

“Yeah,” Minseok smiles, faintly, and reaches down to loosely link their hands. “I’m just getting old.”

 

_ When the countdown begins / Let me hold your hands / The branches covered in wishes _

 

Luhan and Minseok trade wrapped wrapped rectangles of equal size once they’re sitting down next to each other in front of the small Christmas tree decorating their living room. It’s adorned with glimmering baubles and ornaments and a lopsided star. Luhan remembers Minseok insisting on putting it up at the top of the tree even though Luhan is the taller of the two. He’d stood on his tiptoes in order to reach, and Luhan had waited until he was balanced precariously on his feet and the star placed before enveloping Minseok from behind and swinging him up off his feet, the other’s loud shrieks reverberating through their apartment but still being overshadowed by Luhan’s infectious laughter.

Minseok watches on with wide eyes eager to see Luhan’s reaction as the latter tears the glittery metallic paper away to reveal a metal box. When he lifts the lid off, he sees a polished face with roman numerals gleaming back at him, and confusion clouds his senses for a moment because Luhan suddenly has the strangest feeling that he should be the one giving Minseok the beautiful instrument rather than the other way around. He shakes the weirdness away and instead a smile takes over his delicate features as he holds out his wrist for Minseok to help him put the watch on. 

The smile only widens when he sees Minseok's reaction to his gift. The gold Cartier bracelet stares up at Minseok hopefully, waiting to turn a promise into a commitment.  _ A symbol of eternal feelings _ , the website had said. Minseok is so happy that his eyes shine with unshed tears of joy and he’s protesting that  _ it’s too much, he can’t, _ even as he’s launching himself towards Luhan and not letting go. 

Luhan holds onto Minseok as tight as he can with one arm and with the other hand he cups the side of his boyfriend’s face and leans in, resting his forehead against Minseok’s for a breath before Minseok grows impatient and darts forward to taste Luhan’s lips, like he thinks life is too short to wait. 

They’re hugging and kissing and it’s beautiful and  _ they’re so in love _ . And Luhan’s mind is hazy with pleasure but when he looks back on this moment, he distinctly remembers thinking that everything is alright; everything will be okay because no matter what, they’ll always have each other.

 

_ Passers-by are turning around to look at you / Let me take you out / We wait for the fireworks to slowly rise in our eyes _

 

Luhan is sitting next to Minseok at the other’s favorite coffee shop for a little pick me up - Minseok’s been looking a little bit pale lately and Luhan hopes this will perk him up - when a man in white scrubs passing by their table does a double take and stops in his tracks. “Minseok? How are you fee--”

He trails off when Minseok looks up, eyes wide, and makes the tiniest shaking motion with his head, so small that Luhan almost doesn’t catch it. The man curls in on himself immediately, horror spreading over his features. Then it’s gone.

“I’m sorry,” the man says apologetically, eyes shifting to Luhan with something akin to sorrow before he looks back at Minseok. “I must have mistook you for someone else.” Then he walks away without another word. Luhan turns to look at Minseok expectantly. 

Minseok shrugs at Luhan and goes back to taking small, careful sips of his coffee. “You heard him; I must have a doppelgänger.” The gold bracelet on his wrist peeks out from underneath the sweater he’s wearing, catching the light shining in from the open window and reflecting it back in his glassy eyes. 

Minseok doesn’t say anything further about the incident, but Luhan is unsettled. He knows what his ears heard; the man clearly addressed his boyfriend by name.  

Whenever Luhan breaches the topic of getting married, Minseok's smile goes all tight-lipped and he promises, "Soon.” If Luhan was anyone else and Minseok was anyone else, he might argue. But he foolishly trusts with his whole heart because he still believes Minseok wouldn’t hide anything from him, and that he’s putting it off for a reason. Because love is about relinquishing control and giving every piece of yourself away for someone else to hold in their hands. And if Minseok isn’t ready for marriage, Luhan will wait patiently for as long as he has to. 

 

_ The vapour of New York / Drifts to the heat wave of Sydney / Regardless if your winter freezes or not / It is the time to open up  _

 

Luhan sits back on his heels, trying to find the right angle for his camera to pick up how the sunlight reveals the chestnut highlights in Minseok’s dark hair. Minseok waves at him from the shoreline, his feet wading into the shallow water. It’s not yet summer, but they decided that late May was the best time to visit the beach before the humid season really set in. For now, the ocean carries a gentle breeze with it, cooling the sweat on their skin and the churning, frothy waves of the sea.

He flips through the photos he’s taken, all of them focused more on Minseok than the weather or the scenery. When he hears a shout of “Luhan!” he looks up to see Minseok running across the sand towards him, his hair flying and shirt blowing in the wind. Luhan yells back, “Minseok!” just as joyously as he stands up and he’s laughing, eyes crinkled into crescents, and then - Minseok falls.

Ice shoots through Luhan’s heart and he’s there by Minseok’s unconscious body in an instant and yelling for help.

At the hospital, Luhan learns that what he originally worried might have been heat stroke is something much worse in reality.

 

_ All worries, get out _

 

“How could he not have told you?” the doctor from the coffee shops says.

_ I don’t know _ , Luhan wants to yell but his throat is hoarse from hours of screaming.  _ I don’t know anything anymore, you tell me. _

He can already feel their forever crumbling away, bit by bit, piece by piece, memory by memory.

 

_ When making a wish this time, do not close your eyes _

 

Luhan waits next to Minseok’s bed day and night, not leaving for anything and forgetting to eat or shower. There’s no point in taking care of himself - wasn’t that Minseok’s job anyway?

He clutches Minseok’s hand, praying for him to wake. Minseok never opens his eyes.

 

_ Those presumptuous laughs are our jingle bells  _

 

“Luhan, if you’re reading this, it means that we never got the chance to be husbands and now you know why. I wanted to wait until after I was free of the tumor; they told me the treatments were going well, but I guess life always takes an unexpected turn. I know I can’t ask you to not be mad at me, but I didn’t tell you because if we really only had a little bit of time left, I didn’t want you to spend the months worrying about something that couldn’t be changed. I know that you must be in pain now, but I don’t regret anything.”

Luhan takes a deep breath, but still he feels as though he’s drowning.

“You must think that I did a terrible and selfish thing, and truth be told, sometimes I’m not too sure myself. But I knew that you could never be truly happy if you were seeing me suffer, so I had to make sure you didn’t know. Maybe, in the back of my mind was another fear: that you might not love me anymore if you were seeing how weak I’ve become. I know this is stupid, but still I didn’t want to add a burden to your shoulders. I didn’t want you to act any differently towards me, because despite being sick, I’m still the same Kim Minseok you fell in love with.”

His shoulders are shaking in earnest now; he can’t stop the tears that are streaming down his face.

“In the end, you still mean more to me than anything and I’ve run out of ways to tell you how much I love you. I like to think that the reason this letter is so short is because I was lucky enough to get the chance to say everything I needed to before I had to leave. All I wanted in my last few months was to live out a life of normalcy with you, so I could experience how it would have been if we had truly had forever. And in a way, we did, though it was cut short - for me, every moment was magnified in sensation and I lay awake next to you during the nights, thinking about how much I would miss all of it. Some part of me is glad that I was the one to go first, because once I had a nightmare about you leaving me and I woke up crying until you held me close and whispered that you would always be by my side.”

Luhan screams and crumples the letter in his fist but then he smooths it back out and devours the words over and over again, his tears splattering on the paper and mingling with the ink, smearing it. 

“You were my forever, and you’ll continue to be until the Earth is engulfed by the stars and everything ceases to exist. Actually, even then. Maybe our souls will mingle with the universe and we’ll walk hand in hand among the galaxies.”

Minseok knows him too well and his prediction was right; Luhan is blindingly angry. Angry at Minseok for keeping this from him, angry at himself for not figuring it out where Minseok was sneaking off to instead of the office before it was too late, angry at the universe for taking Minseok away from him before he's had the chance to spend forever with the love of his life like he's supposed to. He’s so angry and betrayed.

“Please go live out the rest of your life in the way that we always talked about. Experience the world. You’re still so young; you have things to do. Visit all the places that we made plans to travel to together. I wish I could tell you that I want you to find someone else, but I really don’t. Then again, anything that would make you happy again would bring infinite joy to me, even if I wish I could still be the one to hold your hand and kiss you and sleep in your arms at night.”

Luhan feels removed from the situation, like maybe if he closes his eyes hard enough he’ll wake up and this won’t be real and things will still be  _ right. _

“I love you so, so much. You’ll always be my precious Lu Deer.” 

He gasps in lungfuls of air, but nothing seems to help him breathe. His heart hurts so, so much and the pain is like nothing that anyone’s ever described in literature. Is this how people die of a broken heart? He doesn’t know if the organ is even beating in his chest anymore; he imagines thick, crimson blood spilling from the cracks in his heart and filling up his lungs and chest until he suffocates.

“Now go and live. I’ll be watching.”

Is Minseok in just as much pain as him, seeing him broken like this?

“Love always, your Baozi.” 

Later, Luhan stops feeling anything at all. He becomes hollow.

 

_ When it's time for winter to come / I will always be with you _

 

The funeral is open casket, because Luhan would still do anything to see Minseok even if he knows it’ll break himself. Even now, he would still shatter into a million glass pieces happily if it meant he could piece Minseok back together, but life never asked him what he wanted. Life doesn’t know he would breathe his life into Minseok’s chest in an instant because Minseok is always stretching himself for everyone else and he deserves to experience the wonders of the world through rose-tinted glasses - and besides, Luhan doesn’t want to live in a world without him anyway. 

Minseok still wears the Cartier bracelet in his sleep. Before he walks away for the last time, Luhan slips the band off of Minseok’s now-cold wrist and pockets it because as it turns out - those feelings might be eternal but promises are all too easily broken, even if it’s unwillingly.


	4. skin to skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao im back from the void

  1. **_Skin to Skin_**



 

Minseok meets him at a club. He has wild hair with dark pink streaks and tattoos of Chinese characters along the length of his forearm - the exact opposite of Minseok’s usual type - and he looks at Minseok with half-lidded eyes like he's remembering something he lost long ago. 

Minseok brings him back to his apartment and they take their time exploring each other’s bodies, two puzzle pieces finally slotting together after all this time. It’s in the way the other boy brings a hand up to caress the side of Minseok’s jaw, in the way Minseok would think all of his actions are almost loving if it didn’t clash so much with the fuck-and-run vibe he has going on. He knows not to expect or hope, but he can feel a strange sort of belonging in the way the other boy finds all his weak spots faster than anyone else has before, like he already knows where they are from a distant memory.

Later, when they're lying naked under the sheets, Minseok traces the curlicues of black ink on the other boy’s skin and asks him what it means. 

“It's the name of a past lover,” the other boy says somewhat scornfully, not quite meeting his eyes. There are too many characters to be just a name, but the boy doesn’t offer an explanation as to what the rest of the letters say. And Minseok’s ability in Mandarin is painfully limited but he can still make out the three characters that spell out  _ JIN MIN SHUO.  _

“What's your name?” he asks the boy, fingers reaching to run through unruly fuchsia strands and pulling him by the hair into a kiss before he can answer. 

“Luhan,” says the boy, gasping, when they break apart, finally looking up and meeting Minseok’s gaze of warm brown with steely gray. 

Minseok runs the sound of the syllables in his head. He imagines them - Minseok and Luhan, Kim Minseok and Lu Han, but then the images turn into JIN MIN SHUO and LU HAN - two singularities that transcend space and time and collide only to explode in a brilliant supernova. Only one of them comes out of the fiery explosion unscathed, but he’s on fire and burns everything in his wake, loving cataclysmically for the rest of eternity because now he has nothing to lose.

“I've heard that name before,” Minseok muses, lying back on his pillow and closing his eyes. He frowns, trying to remember. “When I was in high school? No, but that's a Chinese name, and I went to school here in Korea...”

“Oh, really?” Minseok doesn't see the hollow, self-pitying twist of Luhan’s lips or how his throat bobs when he swallows, bruised and bitten lips pressed into a thin line. 

In the morning when Minseok wakes up, Luhan is gone and the spot under the sheets beside him is cold. He is not surprised. 

 

_ Will I still feel your touch / Will I still be your love _

 

A few days later, Minseok is doing cleaning around his bedroom when he uncovers a jacket hidden behind the post of his bed that he’s sure doesn’t belong to him. It smells overwhelmingly sickly-sweet, but Minseok washes all his clothes with cotton detergent.

 

_ Take your time / I’ll be right here with you in the longest fight _

 

Minseok finds him again, at the same club and it’s too much of a coincidence for Minseok to pretend that he wasn’t actively keeping an eye out for Luhan. 

“You again,” the other boy says, with an amused quirk to his lips but empty eyes. He has a new tattoo of the four cardinal points on the inside of his forearm that wasn’t there the last time Minseok saw him - and traced the other’s skin with his tongue - and this time there’s a black triangle stud dangling from one of his earlobes. Minseok spies  _ Pro Memoria _ in small, blocky letters under Luhan's ear.  _ A reminder.  _

“Nice bracelet,” Minseok says, eyeing the gold Cartier band encircling Luhan’s slender wrist.

Luhan smiles wryly. “Thanks. It was going to be a gift, but…”

“Didn’t work out?” Minseok asks, curious as to who would turn down someone as hypnotizing as Luhan.

“Guess not,” Luhan says sardonically, looking away and taking a long drink from a glass bottle, exposing the long line of his pale throat. He doesn’t elaborate. 

Minseok swallows. “Do you.. Want to…”

“Yeah.” Luhan takes his arm. “Let’s.”

“That bracelet looks better on you anyway,” Minseok says, letting himself be blindly led out from the pulsing music to the quiet night air. He can’t tell if Luhan hears him.

 

_ Take your time / Love me in the middle of your lowest night _

 

They go to Luhan’s place this time. Luhan tugs off his jacket and drops it on the floor, and Minseok has only just kicked off his shoes when Luhan crowds him into the wall and connects their mouths. He sets a fast, hurried pace, and they don’t even make it to the bed, but Minseok lets him take control because suddenly Luhan is shaking like he’s afraid Minseok will disappear the same way Luhan snuck away in the night last time.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they’re yours. The way Minseok understands it, Luhan already did his part. The ball is in his court. It's Minseok’s turn to come back. 

 

_ If I could feel your touch / If I could be your love _

 

Over the next few weeks, Minseok spends a lot of time at Luhan’s apartment. He gets to know the place and finds out that Luhan is very messy, what some might call uncaring. His home is littered with lollipop wrappers and wrinkled articles of clothing, and it speaks volumes of chaos, seeming more like a temporary housing than a home. Nothing seems to have a specific order or purpose. One night when Luhan’s asleep and curled away from him towards the wall, Minseok slides open the top drawer of the nightstand next to Luhan’s bed out of curiosity, just to see what kinds of things someone as destructive as Luhan holds dear enough to keep close at hand.

The drawer is empty except for a silver wristwatch still in its box. Minseok can’t figure out for the life of him why Luhan keeps it around, since he never sees the other wearing it or even take it out of the packaging, but he doesn’t ask. Some part of him is afraid of what he would find if he unwrapped, layer by layer, the shell surrounding Luhan, carefully holding together a boy who’s already in pieces.

 

_ Never will neglect you, I’ll stay by your side / Never would direct you / If I’m left behind _

 

Luhan hardly ever smiles. Most of the time, he either looks lost or far away, staring at Minseok intently in a way that makes Minseok think Luhan isn’t really looking at him at all. When Minseok asks if he’s okay, Luhan just laughs softly in a way that means he'll never be alright and leans in to steal a kiss.

Luhan always tastes like candy and pretty soon Minseok is sure that particularly flavour will linger on his tongue forever.

 

_ I’ll be sure to lift you if you promise me / Give me your affection / And your honesty _

 

"Tell me you love me," Minseok says experimentally into the dark room, relying on touch to find the side of Luhan’s face with his fingertips. 

He feels Luhan stiffen for a second before he continues moving his hips at a slow, steady pace. "I do. I love you so much," Luhan sighs in a hushed voice, unable to stop himself from ducking down to kiss Minseok long and hard. “More than you know.”

Minseok can’t see Luhan’s eyes in the dark and ponders whether his statement sounded more like the truth or a lie as he arches up into Luhan’s touch, until the aforementioned offers a distraction from his wandering thoughts by giving a particularly deep thrust that makes Minseok see stars. 

 

_ I wanna go beyond / I wanna go too far / Now tell me I’m the only one _

 

Minseok wonders how many others have been as intimately acquainted with Luhan as himself, how many others have fallen in love only to end up crushed because there has only ever been one person for Luhan. 

He knew from the very beginning - he was eventually going to fall in love with someone who couldn’t love him back, someone who has always been stuck on chasing butterflies from a  _ once upon a time _ that happened long ago. The boy’s very appearance suggests trouble: Rebellious pink bangs that always get shoved to the side and a bubblegum-colored lollipop to match, set perpetually in between perfect teeth. He’s beautiful in an unconventional way that Minseok didn’t even know he could appreciate, but now that he does everyone else seems ordinary in comparison. 

Luhan gets tattoos inked on his wrists like clockwork. The newest one reads  _ TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE. _ Minseok wishes he could be like time, because all too often he imagines Luhan's expression, contorted with pleasure-pain, as a needle pierces his smooth skin and leaves behind permanent parts of his heart, written on a soft canvas for the entire world to see. Unlike time, he has certainly waited a long time to see if Luhan will ever get K IM MIN SEOK inked on his body in  _ hangeul _ , not knowing that what he’s waiting for is already there, has always been there, in  _ hànzì _ .

 

_ Skin to skin _

 

It’s been several months of basking in each other’s company, but their arrangement can’t last forever. Minseok has a life to live, and he’s afraid to let himself get too close because guys like Luhan will only ever break his heart in the end.

He likes Luhan a lot, but he doesn’t think he should let himself grow to love someone who has another’s name tattooed on his skin and in his heart, who looks at Minseok like he’s seeing someone else. So he’s the first to run before he can get seriously hurt. 

He ignores the side of him that laughs and laughs and laughs at his naivete because he’s already too late; he’s irrevocably in love.

One night after Luhan falls asleep wit h an arm thrown protectively over Minseok, curled towards him instead of the wall for once, Minseok lightly extracts himself from the other boy’s embrace and then bends down to whisper in his ear, knowing Luhan can't hear his imperfect pronunciations, “ _ Duìbùqǐ, wǒ ài nǐ. _ ”

But if you love someone, you have to let them go. And maybe hope that they return. But Minseok doubts Luhan will because he knows Luhan, and he’ll think he’s the one who has been abandoned. He’ll never know Minseok has been set on him from that very first night they met, surrounded by drunken cheers, the clinking of shot glasses, and a feeling neither of them will ever be able to name.

He sincerely hopes that whoever left Luhan hurting so much is hurting just the same, if not more.

Minseok learns that being the first to leave doesn’t necessarily mean that it sucks any less. Leaving Luhan feels like waking up from a dream and going back to the real world. Luhan is the kind of dream that lingers, the kind that people try to hold on to as they're brought back to consciousness. The kind of dream that seems too good to be anything but an illusion.

For several months after, Minseok still sees fake Luhans while he's sleeping and he wishes for any of them to be the reality instead of the Luhan who is broken beyond repair, stuck on loving someone who can’t love him back. He dreams of Luhan in thick sweaters with fluffy hair and snowflakes brushing his face, Luhan out of breath with a swollen ankle and a backpack bouncing on his shoulder, Luhan on the screen of a computer waving at him with a genuine smile that he’ll never get to see in real life. And Luhan at an airport, making several promises to always come back to Minseok and not meaning a single one of them.

 


End file.
